Staying Flamin’ Safe An’ That
Hello local loveys, it’s me, Brenda, and I’m gonna help you all stay flamin’ safe an’ that. It’s easier than you think and by following me simple rules you’ll have a belting time without the hassle of hospitals or them police.
- Look carefully before crossing the roads especially if yer having problems with a family member and/or friend.
- Don’t visit bars and/or bistros under tramlines.
- If yer gonna drink cheap supermarket cider – and who doesn’t do that? – Then do not climb onto a roof especially when accompanied by a religious homophobe in eyeliner.
- If you are gonna get wed, please make sure the fella or lass yer marrying in’t killing folk cos it gets very flamin’ complicated, especially when Weatherfield Police get involved cos they have a nasty habit of imprisoning the wrong lasses!
- If you hit Tracy Barlow, make sure you do the job properly so she can’t recover and have you arrested cos, as we’ve discussed, Weatherfield Police will probably send you to jail unless you have actually committed a crime in which case they’ll flamin’ release you in a pair of fishnets to inflict more damage.
- If yer gonna buy garage equipment with a scratchcard windfall then don’t brag about it to yer business partner whose - now tragically dead - wife you bedded and had a baby with.
- This final point is the most important: MOVE AWAY FROM WEATHERFIELD LOVEYS! IT’S FLAMIN’ CURSED! MOVE SOMEWHERE QUIETER AND LESS EMOTIONALLY DRAINING LIKE - oh I don’t know… ermm… - BAGHDAD OR WALFORD!